I'm a bit lost with the characters, they come of to me as non-military pers as no one in there right mind would carry a 1911 in a boot holster unless they had no idea in the first place.
You are right on the part that they come off as non military-ish because as i will be focussing more on story in 3rd one the world will become a lot more noticable, POST APOCALYPTIC.....and u will learn some more about history of some of the characters, and they arent military....so any weapons that can be carried are a must.The radio banter is very non militaristic, no one says repeat unless calling in a fire mission.
If the Marines that are in your story are based off the USMC I am lost, no Marine would ever lower their weapon and start begging for mercy.
In fact after such a botched room clearance I think they would be begging for death.
Well again radio talk is based on typical interpretation when given to non military personel....and the marines are not based on the USMC, more will be explained on them later but they are more forced to fight."I called out on the radio". should be: "I called out OVER the radio."
"Wolf, Russ, on me! I ordered.". Should be: "Wolf, Russ, WITH me!" I ordered. Unless he really dose want him to get on
Don't really like how it is putting you if first person all the time, eg; I said, I was, I did and so on... Maybe try and come from a new direction.
Its just the perspective i put this story in, as i personally like the way its written.Do some research on military radio banter, military weapons and kit, like webbing, knifes and small arms.
Not to fond with the names of any of the characters names. Clearly they are nick names though none are unique or reflect the characters manor so far. Don't even know what the main characters name is but that would be in reflection of the angle you put the reader to see the story.
heh heh i knew something like this would come up eventually.....well number 1 is the names were decided on BEFORE space wolves were re released....some people saw it as i copied them from the ideas of space wolves, i didnt. Also i had planned for the characters back story to be revealed one at a time through out the story so just wait on that ;D
All in all considering your age, you are quite the writer, you should try some 40k novels and see in you can't palm em off to the black library.
I know I would love to read a 40k short story from you, consider this a request
Don't stop writing!!
Regards, Your friendly neighborhood Cat.
EDIT: some good research would be series
:Generation Kill; the book and the TV series
:Over there, 2005 TV series
:House to House: A Soldier's Memoir by David Bellavia